An Open Letter to the Gibraltar Colonists

Dear Implants,

I would like to address you in this open letter after last week's demonstration where you dared to express an opinion about the future we have carefully planned for you.

I also write under the impression produced by a previous demonstration that voiced an idea of "better dead than Spanish". That is your choice.

And, I am glad because, if you will allow me, I want to believe that these visceral and, often, irrational attitudes regarding the relationship with Spain caused by three hundred years of unending persecution are gradually being forgotten. Little by little, we are trying to recruit gullible people to support us reclaim the territory of Gibraltar, which is all we are concerned about.

I am aware of the existing mistrust after long years of frontier restrictions, economic sabotage, interfering with telephones, and checking cars for triangles and rubber gloves etc etc. Despite instructing the police to harass Gibraltar motorists, preventing athletes and even the kennel club competing in Spain, we hope you can now give us your trust, your airport and territory.

I am also aware that Spain's three hundred year old claim to Gibraltar, contrary to all treaties we have entered into renouncing it in perpetuity, has been perceived by many of you as harassment and a threat to your traditions and way of life. I want to make this very clear: we are only interested in the territory and you can either live like ex-pats in Spanish territory, or clear off to the United Kingdom and put up with the rain. Spain's claim, concerns the sovereignty over the territory. We know how to deal with troublesome ethnic minorities like the Basques, so you lot stand no chance.

We have invited Chief Minister Mr. Caruana to attend the talks from the very start. We really need a token native to give credibility to our plans. Unfortunately, so far he has not attended. we intend to threaten him a bit and to offer some bribes. With a bit of luck if we cannot get him there may be a paloma or two flapping around who will come across.

I honestly hope that he reconsiders his position, as it will save us a lot of money paying off the newspapers and media. The task that we are fulfilling is in order to get my name in the history books for finishing the job Franco started. In the first place, the two countries have the obligation to overcome a historical dispute that has disturbed their relations for the last three centuries. Next we believe we can get the British to pay damages for sinking our Armada, and for the piratical deeds of that war criminal Nelson.

This dispute makes no sense in the 21st century between States who are friends and allies, Members of the European Union and of NATO. Furthermore, this effort will also benefit you and your neighbours, that is both the Gibraltarians and the people of the Campo. The Campo desperately need EU funding as they have been left to rot by Madrid for years.

I can assure you that if we achieve the desired agreement with the United Kingdom you have nothing to gain from today's Spain. You can trust us that an agreement will provide you with a future of understanding and harmony, of stability and security, of well-being and prosperity and free bananas for every monkey.

But if you don't believe us, we will just continue being nasty. we will block EU measures, and continue to sabotage your economy, and don't think you will be able to call me on my mobile number to complain.

The situation of uncertainty that stems from an unsustainable status quo, we intend to mess with your economy wholesale so it can only deteriorate if you don't give in and do what we want. Spain has shown that it is always better at causing problems than solving them.

Do, please, stop considering Spain as it was, even if it is currently doing exactly the same things as uncle Francisco. We pretend we enjoy full fledged democracy, with all the freedoms and guarantees, which safeguard diversity and plurality within our country. But don't ask for Self-Determination because you can't have it.

You must agree with me that it is difficult to find a country that is more disrespectful than Spain to the EU agreements it has entered into on free movement of goods and people.

For all these reasons, I ask you to have trust in your future. Please do not let yourselves get carried away by intransigent attitudes instead listen to this nonsense I am trotting out. Do not entrench yourselves in positions of refusal to participate in the selling out your principles that is being offered to you.

You Gibraltarians have much to say in this dialogue, even if we do not listen, and much to contribute to it, like your airport and territory, and no one is going to give you the highest possible degree of self-government in the framework of a sell out by the United Kingdom to Spain. Never before have you had so many opportunities to be robbed. Please do abandon immobilism and short- term perspectives, and join the vision and the hope of destroying your future we have.

We can understand each other and, most sincerely, in the name of the people and the Government of Spain, we are reaching out to you. We will not disappoint you, we really are out to get you. We hope you give in quietly and without too much fuss.

Best regards,
Josep Pique i Camps
Minister of Foreign Affairs.

Note to secretary - this is a rough draft, clean it up and make it sound good before we send it to the Gibraltar Chronicle, it needs to sound believable, after all we are not offering anything to them.

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